I feel like Paul when he was writing one of his epistles, frustrated that he couldn't do what the Lord wanted him to do even though he knew exactly what the Lord required of him. I know in my head that the Lord wants all of me. I know that He wants my time everyday. I know that He wants my life as a "living sacrifice". I know I'm supposed to "pray without ceasing" and "hide the Word in my heart." I know that. All too often have I told the Lord, "God, I'm going to start over and spend time with You everyday." I can't even count how many times I've said it, and every single time, I have absolutely failed. I can't take it anymore when my friends tell me that they're seeking my advice, that they're asking me to pray because they view me as a Godly woman. If they only knew how wrong they are, I think they'd be sorely disappointed. I think they'd see my life as a lie, and I hate that. Whether I spend time with Him daily or not, I'm carrying His name. I'm associated with Him because I'm redeemed by Him, and here I go, just dragging my Maker's name through the mud. How unworthy am I to spend time with Him! How unmotivated I am to do so. I can feel what it's doing to my attitude. I can feel what it's doing to my perspective to not be with Him, yet I choose to be lazy and choose to noncompliant and I choose to reject. When I pray, I feel like it's hitting the ceiling and ricocheting back to me, unheard by any ears but mine. I know none of this is true, but how do I get brain knowledge to be heart knowledge? How do I discipline my heart to do something it desperately needs but doesn't want to do?
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